Unofficial Histories
by My.Dear.Asmost
Summary: These are the unofficial stories behind the pasts of the Akatsuki. -PURE CRACK- Nothing is true, Everything is Permitted
1. Deidara

_Hello everyone, and welcome once again to a Hue & _**Zazu**_ production. If you're new to our work (which will be everyone since we haven't really written much.) then I welcome you. In this fic, we will have a series of one-shots that are our own unofficial, crack-ish histories of the Akatsuki. I, Hue, will be writing those of Deidara, Itachi, Konan, Madara, and Sasori. My lovely partner _**Zazu **_will write those of Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Pein. These will all be rather short, as we made a word limit of no more than 1000. I hope you enjoy :D_

Disclaimer: We do NOT own anything Naruto related. All that we own are our ideas for these ficlettes.

Warning: Some of these will be completely ridiculous and those die hard purists will probably want to crucify us for even suggesting that these would ever happen. **THIS IS PURE CRACK!** None of this is true and we don't claim it is in any way. Also, I wrote two different versions for Deidara because my first one is depressing and not funny at all, so the second is the crack one.

_**Chapter 1 ~ Deidara (v.1)**_

It didn't happen often, but once every few generations a member or two of the clan would develop one of the clan abilities. There were three in total. The first is a second voice that was said to be a guardian angel of sorts. The second was an understanding of technology beyond that of anyone around, which had led to most of the advancements in the Ninja world. The third was the rarest, as it had only been seen three times before, was a pair of mouths on the palms of the clan members' hands. The first to have this ability infused chakra with the unique saliva of the mouths to create a special deadly poison. The second, a kunoichi known for her seduction abilities, used hers in a -ahem- special way to help her get men loose lipped, making it easier to gather information.

The third was a special case. Deidara was the first in his clan to get more than one of the abilities. When he was born, his mother was bursting with pride when she saw the small markings on the palms of her son's hands. As little Deidara got older, he slowly started to develop teeth and had fun learning use the extra mouths. Deidara's father never truly understood just how lucky his son was to have such a gift and often thought of him as a freak. On nights while out drinking with friends, he would quietly blame his wife for his son's deformity.

It was at the young age of seven when Deidara discovered his second gift and what his specialty would be later in life. He was playing with his friend Roku, digging down deep into the earth, searching for the clay they liked to use to build the soldiers that protected their sandcastle. It was as he was putting the final touches to its face that he first heard it.

"Quick! Grab your friend, danger is coming!"

Not really knowing what to do, he stuffed his soldier in his pockets and waved for his confused friend to follow him. They were half way across the park when they heard a scream. Turning around, they saw Deidara's father on the other side, something large dangling from his hand. They watched as the man scanned the area before finally settling on them. Before they could react, the man was in front of them, holding Deidara in the air by his throat.

"I'm sorry son. I'm sorry you've been cursed by the blood that runs through your veins, by the blood that ran through your mother's veins. I will save you from this cursed life. I've rid you of the leash that bound you to accept it and offer Kami her soul as an offering to forgive you. When you die, you will be welcomed into Kami's arms and leave this cursed life behind." He dropped what could now be identified as his wife's head and grabbed a kunai.

In an attempt to help his friend, Roku began to throw rocks at the crazed man's head. The jolt of pain was enough to cause the man to loosen his grip, giving Deidara the opportunity he needed to wiggle free. Crawling back quickly, he tried to think of what to do. The others in the park were long gone, having fled the moment his father had arrived.

"The clay! Use the clay soldier in your pocket. Take it and put it in the mouths. Think of something, anything, and wish it to life."

Deidara did as the voice told him, thinking of his old pet bird ChiChi whom had died the moth prior. Slowly, he saw the form of a bird develop and inspected it upon completion. A scream jolted him out of his studying, and he looked up to see his friend on the ground, kunai sticking out of his thigh as his father approached with another in his hand.

Acting completely on instinct, Deidara threw the little bird at his father and yelled, "Protect Roku!"

He watched as it dive bombed the man, hitting him on the face and narrowly avoiding the kunai being slashed at it. As the bird slowly led him away, Deidara heard the voice give him one last instruction.

"When he's been moved far enough away, use the ram hand seal, focus your chakra to your voice and say 'katsu'. It will make the bird explode."

Seconds later, Deidara did as he was told once again and watched in a mixture of interest, fear, excitement, and disgust as his father was launched backwards, body burnt and bloody. He quickly ran to his friend, keeping an eye on the unmoving body as he checked to see if he was ok. The two boys sat huddled together, starring at the body and crying until two shinobi arrived and took them away.

-END

**Deidara V.2**

Deidara had always loved the arts. His mother had made him take dance lessons as a child and he loved to just sit and enjoy music. His parent's house was filled with his paintings and he taught a sculpting class on the weekends. It was during one of these classes that his family bloodline had awoken.

He starred at his sculpture, absent mindedly twirling a kunai between his fingers. He was holding a clump of clay in his other hand, squeezing it occasionally as he thought. Poking the nose area of the bust he was making, he glanced at his model and back, trying to perfect the nose. The nose was always the part that took him the longest. It was the part he thought was most likely to define whether a sculpture was good or not. He looked down to the clay he was holding, trying to judge how much of it he would need when he got a shock. In his hand sat an exact replica of his model's nose. As he brought it to his face to closer inspect it, he caught sight of something from the corner of his eye. There, in the middle of his hand, was a mouth. He held his hand in front of his face and nearly jumped when the mouth split open, showing off two rows of perfectly straight teeth grinning at him. He quickly stuffed his hands in his pockets and stepped out from behind his sculpture.

"Class dismissed! I have a family emergency to attend to!" He packed up his tools and fled the room, rushing to the rooftops and ran to his home.

When he arrived, he dropped his belongings on the table and quickly made his way to his private studio. He shut the door behind him and made his way to the desk. The floor was littered with half-finished paints, the walls covered in paint and clay. He reached across the desk and grabbed a small chuck of clay that he had forgotten to put way that morning. Starring at the clay, he took a piece of it and hesitantly held it up to the mouth on his right palm.

He watched in fascination as a tongue darted out and grabbed the clay before the mouth shut and began to chew. After a few minutes of chewing, a small clay spider was spat out onto the table. Deidara could only stare as it crawled around the table before rushing off to the edge, preparing to jump.

In a moment of panic, Deidara slammed his hand down on the spider, and in doing so he started a small chain of events that started with an odd noise and ended with a bald Deidara.

He looked around at his now destroyed studio and couldn't help but grin. He had always been a fan of fireworks and this had potential.

Looking like a crazed maniac with no eyebrows, Deidara began to laugh as he yelled, "Art is a bang, un!"

**-END**

_Well, thanks for reading, and I hope to see you at the next chapter!_

_~Hue_


	2. Hidan

**Well Hello there, Zazu here, and here is my intallment of our hopefully hilarious histories of the Akatsuki.  
>Of course, I own nothing, but the idea. :D Please enjoy! <strong>

_Hidan._

The monks of Yugakure had only one rule: do not open the purple box. Within the box, well no one actually knew what was within the box, they could only guess. Some said it was the key to the secrets of the Buddha, others claimed it held the lost soul of the monk who turned the town away from the way of the ninja into a peaceful tourist attraction. One monk claimed that it held the remnants of the body of Jashin, a horrible god who demanded that his followers partake in a ritualised death that would be guaranteed to give them life as an immortal.

Most think it contains all the porn that tourists leave in the hot springs and their rooms. Either way, the penalty for opening the box is to lay with a woman. I know, I know, to most that is not a problem, but to the monks? Celibacy is the way of the monk. No hanky panky. No bump n' grind. No wham bam thank you ma'am! So, what monk would possibly attempt to open that most dangerous of boxes, hidden in plain sight, right behind the information desk of the hotel. Lit by four different lights, to present the prefect ambiance, so says the monks.

Well, the stupid monk who would dare try this was a small, idiotic white haired bastard of another monk who slept with a tourist who got really drunk one night and offered him a way to 'cleanse himself of the dangers of the world and become closer to the buddha'. She got him drunk and had her wicked way with him in a hot spring pool. Naughty naughty monk.

After the birth of the boy, who was dropped with the note 'Your problem now fuck face, have fun with the bastard', things slowly started to change in the temple. Small, cute animals that once roamed the ground were found dead, usually by the purple box. The tourists who came to the temple requested often in the middle of the night to change their room, or to leave the temple entirely because 'the small monk frightened the shit out of them'.

Hidan was creating more trouble than what he was worth. And he was not worth a lot, really worth nothing to the monks, to be truth ful. He couldn't meditate, couldn't recite the words of the Buddha without laughing, and he couldn't even shave his head! It grew back so quickly! He was most assuredly not a monk, if anything he should have been a ninja. What a laugh! Ninjas? In Yugakure? Not in another thousand years!

So, Hidan, the bastard son of a monk who was shamed and now lived solely in the little corner hut of the fields that the monks worked, was trouble with a capital T. He was really a bit of a bastard, and the other monks were plotting to get him to open the purple box. They tried several different methods. Placing it in his room, sticking it in the hot spring with him, having him meditate as he sat on it, even trying to get him to be hypnotized to open it. Nothing worked.

What they did not expect was for him to open the box himself, on Thursday morning, just as the sun poked its nose over the horizon, because he was fucking bored of being a god damned monk, and wanted out of the hell hole.

Inside the box, wrapped carefully in a red silk cloth and tied with rough string sat something so dangerous, so menacing that it was no surprise why it was kept secret in this box that was never locked. He looked inside, and recoiling in fear he dropped the box and the item and ran, swearing to the heavens that he would never forget that sight, it would haunt him for the rest of his days as he prayed to Jashin and practiced his rituals. That horrible sight…

Hidan in a bath tub, only a few months old, _cuddling_ with a pink rubber duckie.

***giggles* this was not exactly what I wanted, but Hidan sort of took control, and this happened. So yeah... :D**


End file.
